Well, just when y’all thought you could perform the Yarzheit (Jewish ceremony of the 1st anniversary of a death) over my grave… I’VE COME BACK! (whopeee. zzzzzz). It’s been almost an entire year that I’ve been AWOL on this blog. It was right after Thanksgiving last year that my father’s mild cognitive impairment went into full-gear Alzheimer’s. I still think that he had a stroke because he called me one day to say that he didn’t feel ‘right’ and could I please come over. He’d never asked that before, and he couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong; only that his head felt strange. But tests in December and July have shown only that he has Alzheimer’s. It’s been hell. His condition has been very gradual over the years so I wasn’t emotionally ready to deal with such a sudden change at the end of last year. He also looks like he’s aged about ten years in the past year. My brilliant physicist, politically active dad who was nearly six feet tall is now a tiny, sallow sparrow of a man with the brain of a small child.
Anyway, I’ve been crying my heart out all year on my personal blog, as well as occasionally contributing to other blogs, but I did want to come back here for my movie reviews, dharma chatter and other non-personal stuff.
Also… I recently put up a page on myspace called “Documentaries That Make A Difference”, which I am connecting to this blog. Reviews will be here since myspace doesn’t have indexes for their blogs.
I just read through this entire blog today and deleted I think nearly half of the posts since they were either painfully outdated or rambling on for so long that my eyes slid down into my sinuses for a snooze.
I don’t know if previous friends and acquaintances will know I’m back but hopefully I’ll be getting things back to normal soon. Actually, this is the worst time to be doing this because of the holiday season and things still aren’t settled with my dad but I’ve gotta have a space to keep myself sane that is more than just a personal whining marathon! Probably ranting about the mess the world is in is not the best way to go about keeping my sanity but oh well…. I need the added perspective.
Anyway, sorry to go into so much personal stuff. If anyone wants to know what it’s like taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s; on top of all the obvious things, it’s an identity crisis. You’ll find yourself talking to your parent like you were their parent, like picking them up from senior day care where they’re sitting around a table wearing party hats and giant name tags, and eating cake as if it was tasteless gravel. And then you ask them, “did you have fun today?” like you distinctly remember your mother asking you after your first day at school. You don’t recognize your voice, you don’t recognize your father, and you don’t recognize yourself. It’s soul-shattering.
Oh I’m off to an ebullient start!
It can only get better.